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My mama was the wind,
my daddy was a train.

closetbeatnik
Date: 2014-01-28 13:54
Subject: Ready and waiting
Security: Public

I didn't know I had this much space in my life, but now every nook and cranny, every stolen moment is filled with thoughts of baby.

We started our birthing classes last night (finally). I can't wait for this baby to arrive! Not in an anxious, impatient way, but more of an eager hopefulness, an urgent desirousness ... I can't believe how ready I feel to be a mom.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2014-01-10 13:39
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about Spring. For me, everything changes this March, when our little boy arrives. Of course our lives will be forever changed by his very addition, but it is even more than that. I will transition from full time employee to homemaker/mother/side hustle entrepreneur. My home will be reinvigorated by the presence of life at all hours; my garden tended with daily regularity; my animals cared for with greater affection. I look forward to a new pace of life, not slower or easier, necessarily - I'll be working some nights at the restaurant, hosting jewlery parties whenever I can, breeding bartering and tending the farmstead, not to mention the groundwork Jack and I will be laying for him to leave the corporate world and start his own farm business the Spring after this one - but a more suitable lifestyle, perhaps, one with greater freedom and autonomy. I want to craft a life for our children that empowers their belief that they can do whatever it is they desire to do as long as they take responsibility for their own desires and decisions.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-10-18 15:44
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public

Hi journal,
I've thought of you a number of times in recent months, but have continually decide not to pay you a visit. Things have been good, really good the last few months. I'm at 16 weeks now and feeling great. Weeks 5-10 were difficult becasue I was so fatigued - sleeping on ly lunch break and as soon as I got home most nights. Weeks 10-12 were better, but still had to go to bed early most nights. Around week 13 I was feeling some cramping that had me concerned, but the midwives said it was just my abdominal muscles moving my uterus into place. weird. Since then I've been feeling pretty normal, trying to stay hydrated and eat enough. I lost 2 pouunds in the first trimester (even though I didn't throw up once) and I don't think I've gained it back. I am starting to show a little though! that's exciting. Amy saw me at work on Saturday and almost started to cry because it was the first time I actually looked pregnant. Now none of my pants fit, so I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get some new clothes. Hopefully I'll be able to pick some up from a couple of the church ladies this weekend. Of note was that at 10 weeks, two days after we told most of our friends, I was playing flag football and got tackled. Amy and Glory and Ivory convinced me to go to the clinic and they sent me to the ER because I had blacked out a little. Everything ended up being fine, but they told me I was dehydrated, which is weird because I usually drink so much water. Anyway, since then, I've been on top of it, but it's been hard.

In similar news, Jack has been absolutly fantastic. He's been so helpful and thoughtful and affectionate, more considerate than I really thought possible! Our relationship has been so strong. I feel like he's proud of me for getting pregnant. I resist that a little, because it wasn't my "fault" that I didn't earlier, and I don't deserve the "credit" for it now. That said, I am glad he's so happy, and I do feel more fulfilled.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-08-16 15:21
Subject: I think there's something wrong with me.
Security: Public

I’ve been considering my relationship with food a lot lately. Here are some facts I’m trying to reconcile:

- I generally DISLIKE eating. The process of food and drink in my mouth, swallowing, the belly feeling of having finished a meal.

- I do enjoy the ritual of a meal with family or friends in a restaurant or at home. Drinking alcohol with a balanced, savory meal, and eating dessert.

- After a meal like that, I usually want to have sex.

- I have always had a poor appetite. When I used to babysit my little brother and sister, I would often forget to feed them because the urge to eat never struck me. When I was running a lot in high school, my parents would have to force me to eat at least enough calories to cover the ones I was burning in training. I hated sitting at the table until my food was finished, often missing the bus or social activities because I COULD NOT choke it down.

- I like to prepare meals WITH and FOR others. I love cooking with Jack for Thanksgiving and I relish hosting dinners at my house. I am proud when I cook good, tasty, quality food for my loved ones. But I hate prepping basic lunches for myself, and even for Jack.

- I want to eat well, but too often can simply not be bothered.

- A complex diet with varied food items overwhelms me. I’d be ok eating the same few things pretty much every day if it gave me the fuel I needed to get through the day.

- I often have low energy.

- When I am hungry, I get depressed. If the weakness and sadness get too overwhelming, I loose the ability to prepare myself a meal and usually just try to go to sleep. Or I make ramen.

- I WANT to eat local, organic, fresh, healthy food, but I don’t make grocery shopping a priority and I don’t leave myself enough time to sufficiently prepare said foods, often opting for less-good convenience items.

- I wish there were pills that would satisfy your basic nutrition that I could take with my vitamin so that I didn’t need to eat at all.

- Sometimes, I feel proud of myself if I can refrain from eating.

- I like appetite suppressants like Adderall and RedBull and often use them to postpone a needed meal.

Who can I get to tell me whether I have an eating disorder?? And what can I do to improve?

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-08-16 12:22
Subject: So sleepy!!
Security: Public

I’ve always had a penchant for napping in public places: under the stands at the Armory, in the reading nook at the library. With this new exhaustion, I find myself fantasizing about sleeping in the park on my lunch break, or under my desk during the dreaded 3 o’clock hour. There’s a small farm down the street where we’ve gone pumpkin picking and they have a corn maze. That would be a perfect place to lie down, between the rows…

In college, I used to love to nap while my roommate was up doing homework, or even hanging out with her friends in my room. I don’t think the sleeping part is anti-social, and I don’t think the presence of others reflects a Fear Of Missing Out. I think it’s just that I have a tacit appreciation for the unburdened company of others. It’s not that I necessarily want to be with people all the time, but only that I sometimes want people to be near me, without the compulsion to interact.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-08-15 11:15
Subject: And so it begins...
Security: Public

We told Amy and James last night! Totally not part of the plan, but we had to make the best of it. I had been texting w/ Amy the day before yesterday and she ASKED me! I was like, “you can’t ask that!” but then I called her and we talked for an hour about it. Jack was mad, but I wasn’t upset that she found out. I know she can keep her mouth closed. In fact, she didn’t even tell James for over a day. We got dinner with them last night and I told him. Jack didn’t want to make a big deal of it because he felt like they forced us to tell them or something, but I was like, “This is a good thing; it is happy news. They are our friends and they love us. We have to make the best of it and make it fun!” Amy would’ve felt so bad if she knew he was mad at her about it. So it went really nicely and she got sparkling cider and promised they wouldn’t say a word about it till we told all our friends and family. And Jack’s not mad any more :)

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-08-13 10:52
Subject: Pregnancy
Security: Public
Tags:via ljapp

It's weird. My baby is the size of a blueberry, but I still can't really believe I'm actually pregnant. I've been painfully tired the last week or so, and my boobs (especially nipples) have been super tender. Other than that, nothing is really different. I'm afraid it isn't real, or that it isn't really going to happen.

It's also weird keeping such a significant (and happy) secret. I've been telling my friends I'm on a cleanse to explain my dietary restrictions, and that I've been a little sick to explain the exhaustion. It's not even hard any more, lying to their faces, but I don't like it. I want to let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.

We have another appt set up next week with the midwife from the university hospital. Once we decide to go with them, at 8 weeks or so, I'll feel more comfortable telling our family and close friends. I just don't want to get everyone's advice about OB/midwife etc. till we've made the decision ourselves. Jack wants to wait till the 12 week sonogram, but I don't see why we should. I know about chances of miscarrying etc, but if we loose her, I'm going to be talking to our friends and fam anyway.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-08-01 18:13
Subject: Midwives
Security: Public
Tags:via ljapp

Last night was our first meeting with a midwife. She is effectively a solo practitioner up in the village. Shes kinda old and she certainly knows her craft. She seems well respected in her hospital, too. The only thing that gives me pause is that I read a bunch of reviews online and probably 30% were not good. Two of them were BAD. We're interviewing a few so I'm not sure whether we'll go with her, but I am close to 100% sure I'm going to use a midwife, rather than an ob. My on appt is next week.

Tonight there is an OPEN HOUSE at the university hospital that has a whole midwife practice! One of the nurses at church recommended on of these ladies, so I'm hoping I get to meet her.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-07-26 08:54
Subject: The hits just keep on coming.
Security: Public
Tags:via ljapp

Our quail came the night before last. We weren't ready for them. The hatchery was supposed to call us two days in advance. And email. They didn't. We got a call from the post office, God only knows how long they were there. I had to go there after hours and bring them home to a broken brooder box. We lost a few of them the first night, and a bunch more yesterday while I was at work. But the worst part was, we left the door ajar and Haley got down into the basement this morning and demolished about 40 birds.

We're down to 25 live babies and 3 that don't look likely to make it. Plus, we don't have the right food; we have only adult bird food, not starter, so it doesn't have enough protein and nutrients. I was supposed to pick some up from the feed store after work yesterday, but wouldn't you know it? The truck battery died and I couldn't open the hood and by the time I got a jump, the feed store was closed.

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closetbeatnik
Date: 2013-07-24 08:32
Subject: Adventures in Adulthood
Security: Public
Tags:via ljapp

In the last nine days, Jack and I have experienced the following:

- Four slashed tires

- Two positive pregnancy tests

- A small house fire

- One blown head gasket

- A fuckton of bedbugs


So we just put brand new tires on a car that may have totaled itself the very next day. The basement I cleaned and reorganized last weekend is now covered with soot. We have to get a new mattress, boxspring, sheets and comforter (we threw everything out in a frenzy last night), launder ALL off our clothes and treat the whole room (including carpets and shoes) so we can eradicate these little terrorists. And we have to get it done before we have six random guys sleep over Friday night. (James booked two bands for a local show and needed a place to put up one of them.)


Plus, I’m now committed to preparing pretty much all my own food for the next nine months (and beyond), so that’s been running me late to work the last few days as I try to adjust to new routines. Oh, and did I mention that my duedate is the week of my sister’s wedding (in which, I am the maid of honor)? I forgot to brush my teeth this morning, I left my phone at home and I locked my keys in the truck when I got to work L I can hardly believe that I am keeping it together this well!

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January 2014